The Kinky Coitus Undertakings
by xLostInTheSun
Summary: Three (hopefully) funnily sexy and sexily funny scenes, featuring the Shamy trying to make their lovemaking kinky. - M rated for a reason.
1. The Dirty Talk Experimentation

**A/N: **Hi everyone! I was rewatching _The Cooper/Kripke Inversion _earlier this week and a little plot bunny was born from the tag scene. This mini-fic is going to be made up of three chapters and (losely) use inspiration from Kripke's three questions to Sheldon. There's not going to be much plot, tbh. The scenes will be unrelated, it's mostly just an excuse to write Shamy porn. (Because who doesn't like Shamy porn, am I right? Apart from Shenny shippers, I mean?)

I should tell y'all now: this is the first time I've ever written somewhat graphic sex. If it comes off as awkward, that's why. I hope it's not too jarring though. Also, as usual: not a native English speaker, and this is unfortunately un-betaed. I apologize for any mistake you might find here. Now on to the sex.

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**I. "Gave it to her good?" "No, I gave it to her well."**

"Sheldon, I would like to discuss something with you," Amy says as he just undid the last button on her cardigan.

"_Now?_" he asks as he kisses her throat, and Amy, distracted by the feeling of his lips against her pulse, is tempted to follow his lead and bring it up later. However, if her friends were right, there is a lot of good to be said about what she wants to bring up, and she gently pushes her boyfriend away.

"Amy..." he whines, and she can't help smirking – _how the mighty have fallen, Doctor Cooper_.

"Now, now, Sheldon. I think you might find what I have to talk about of high interest."

Sheldon, however, doesn't seem to agree. "Not when you turned me into a ball of basic urges, you vixen," he growls, and even after almost three months of sexual intimacy, it still startles her a little, the power she can have over him. "You can't just show up to Date Night wearing _that _and expect to get away with it, little lady."

Amy rolls her eyes, although a smile gives away her playfullness, and she scolds him. "I'm wearing a cardigan, Sheldon. Nothing you haven't seen me wear a million times before."

"I don't mean the cardigan, Amy. I mean the Flash tee-shirt underneath it."

Amy shrugs. "Don't forget your tee-shirts at my place, next time. I won't end up wearing them."

"Or maybe I will," Sheldon whispers, and he dives in for a kiss. Amy lets him kiss her, even opening her mouth when she feels his tongue ask for entrance. Only when he starts taking her cardigan off her shoulders does Amy remember that she wanted to bring up something.

"Sheldon!" she protests, breaking their kiss and pushing his hands away. "I said I want to discuss something first!"

"First?" Sheldon says, perking up. "And then we can...?"

"Yes, we can."

Sheldon sighs and sits straight in his spot. "Fine, then," he says, and Amy suddenly loses her nerve. She's not really sure how to bring it up, especially since Sheldon is already reluctat to even say _these _words. She's not even asking for "make love," just hearing him say "have sex" would do it. She'd probably even settle for "have coitus", in all honesty. Anyhting but the heavy, pregnant silence he chooses every time he mentions about what happens behind their bedrooms doors.

Amy almost chickens out, almost says "nevermind," but she decides to put the blame of her next words on her scientific curiosity.

"Well," she says. "Penny said something during our last Girl's Night, and I must say it sparked my interest."

"Penny? Really? Are you trying to get me soft, Amy?"

Amy burts into a fit of giggles at Sheldon's annoyance, but she quickly catches herself – now is not the time, not with the topic she has in mind. "Now, now," she says. "I think you might find it interesting." He is getting impatient, and she suddenly finds it unbearable to look into his big, blue, hungry eyes. Biting down on her lips, she looks away, her eyes finding the empty spot that had once been host to Leonard's desk.

"Well," she finally breathes. "She mentionned that dirty talk really helped bring back the spark that had been gone in her sexual encounters with Leonard since Hector's birth."

There's a silence that lasts for what seems to be a million years, and then Sheldon asks, "Excuse-me?"

Amy finally looks back at him, and finds a confused face. "I know it may be awkward to discuss, as Leonard is your best friend, but... Penny said they were having trouble getting back into a satisfying physical intimacy after months of pregnancy and short nights because of the needs of their young infant, and she said that one day, she tried dirty talk and that it worked."

There's another silence, even longer than the one before, and then Sheldon asks, his voice breaking and his eyes afraid "Do I _fail_ to please you?"

Amy suddenly feels herself getting red, embarrassed by the implications she gave to her words without meaning to, and she blurts out "Gosh, no! No, that's not what I meant, not at all!" She grabs both his hands in hers, kissing his fingers, and she shakes her head. "I'm sorry, Sheldon. I didn't know... I simply thought it was best to bring up the context in which Penny, Bernadette and I ended up talking about dirty talk. I didn't want to... Gosh, I'm so sorry!"

She's rambling, now, and it's only when Sheldon kisses her hands too that she can stop and release a breath she didn't realise she'd been holding. "It's okay, Amy," he says, even though his voice still sounds a bit shaky.

"Gosh," Amy says, "I was just... It's just that Bernadette said she likes it when Howard talks dirty, too, and I thought..." Amy looks up at the ceiling, takes a deep breath, and finally whispers "I thought maybe we could try."

There's a third silence, and then Sheldon says "Us? Dirty talking?"

"I know, it's not really our style..." Amy says. What was she thinking? Their lovemaking is usually slow and silent, saved for a few grunts here and there. Even three months in, she still tries her best to muffle her cries when Sheldon brings her to orgasm. Sighing, she looks at him again, ready to apologize and ask him to forget the whole idea. But when her eyes meet his again, she realises... he's not opposed to the idea.

"No, it's not," he says. "But I'm a scientist, and it is in my nature to conduct a series of experiments to verify Penny's hypothesis."

Amy shily smiles at him. "Really?" she says, and Sheldon shrugs.

"Why not?"

It seems effortless as she flungs her arms around him and kisses him full on the mouth, Sheldon's hands finding their place on her hips, but a few minutes later, when they've taken it to his bedroom (nevermind that he lives alone, now, he still won't love her anywhere that's not his or her bed), when she's sprawled naked on Sheldon's duvet, her hair spilling onto his pillows, when he's kneeling between her legs, delicately unwrapping his condom, it's not as easy anymore.

"So, hm," he says once the condom is securly in place "how do you suggest we...?"

"Well," Amy says, trying not to look at his distracting chest or at his erect penis, "I... Penny said..."

"No," Sheldon interrupts her. "Absolutely not. You are never to bring up Leonard and Penny's intimate life when we are in bed."

His face is crunched up in disgust, and Amy can't help it – she starts giggling again. Except that this time, she doesn't stop herself, and it sort of relieves the tension. Sheldon's face breaks into a smile, too, and he brings his hands to her knees, massaging soothing circles into her skin. Amy feels her breath coming short, because this is Sheldon's ritual – he always starts by carressing her knees.

"I guess," he whispers, "I guess we'll figure it out."

"Yes," Amy answers, her voice as low as his, for he sundenly lowers his body onto hers and starts kissing her throat again. It's been three months since they lost their virginity to each other, and Amy probably won't ever get tired of feeling Sheldon's naked skin against hers. Truth be told, she might love the foreplay more than she does actual intercourse. There is something to be said about Sheldon covering her with kisses, his fingers lazily trailing across her skin – it's like she's a goddess, somehow, and he is the priest honouring, adoring his deity.

As Sheldon's fingers carress the sides of her breasts, his thumb flickering across her nipples, Amy's own hands move up and down his back. She loves it very much, the way he shivers every time her fingers runs up and down the length of his spine, and the way his breath quickens in her ears when she allows herself to move her hands lower and lower, until they're cupping his bottocks.

"I love you, Amy," he gasps in the crook of her neck when she moves one of her hands to his penis, timidly caressing him through the latex with her fingertips, and she feels her heart swell.

"I love you too," she whispers, and then she realises that this is not how dirty talk works. Deciding that it is now or never, she lets go of his sex, ignoring his disappointed groan as she does so. Bringing her hands to his shoulders, she pushes him away until she has enough space to be able to flip their positions over. Sheldon is now lying on his bed, Amy on her knees between his legs, the latex-covered of him resting against her thighs. They've never done it like that – with Amy on top – and she's suddenly a little nervous, but the way Sheldon looks at her, like he can't quite believe that they belong to each others, like he can't quite believe how lucky he is makes her feel loved and beautiful and powerful, so she places her entrance just above the tip of his sex and oh so slowly lowers herself onto him. Sheldon's body arches off the bed just as Amy finally takes all of him inside of her, his eyes closed, his head thrown back on his pillows in pure bliss. Amy loves this sight, she loves having the knowledge that Sheldon can come undone just because of her, of the tight pressure of her walls around his shaft, and most of all, she loves that when she doesn't start moving back up again, his eyes slowly open, a hungry light in them.

"Amy," he whines, and he tries to bring his hands to her hips to move her above him, but Amy grabs them before he has the chance to touch her.

"No," she whispers as he whimpers. "I make the rules, tonight." She bites down on her lips, still a little unsure about how to procede, but after a few seconds, she decides that instead of moving up and down his penis, she would rotate her hips around him.

"Amy," he growls. "Good Lord!"

The friction is exquisite, and Amy throws her own head back, too, her long hair tickling the small of her back. "Oh gosh," she breathes. "This is amazing."

"You're amazing," Sheldon answers, and Amy doesn't need to look at him to know that he's looking up at her, his eyes raking over her body. That's when she decides to take her chance – that's when she decides to talk dirty.

"Am I giving it to you well?" she asks in a voice that she tries to make bossily sexy and sexily bossy, but she knows the moment the words escape her mouth that she failed. Sheldon bursts out laughing beneath her, and Amy joins him a second later.

"God," he says, "dirty talk really isn't us," and Amy lowers her upper body to kiss him on the mouth, his hands still trapped in hers, sandwiched between their two stomachs.

"Shh," she whispers against his lips, pretending to be offended. "I can be a very dirty girl if I want to, Sheldon."

She knows he's right, though – they're not like the type of couple who will cry out the F-word during sex. But she likes it that way, and she likes it even more when Sheldon kisses her and then whispers into her ear "Forget about the dirty – you're the most sexy prim and proper woman I have ever met."

That does it – suddenly, Amy finds herself determined to reach climax and to bring Sheldon to his own. She sits back up and finally starts moving up and down the length of him. There's only whimpers and groans, now, the way their intercourse always is – understated, soft, _loving_. It's not intercourse, really, never has been – it's just lovemaking, pure and unbridled, because, gosh, she really does love Sheldon, and he makes her feel loved like never before.

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**A/N: **Thank you for reading! I hope you liked it, I may post the next chapter sometime next week if I have the time before my holiday. If not, it'll be after the 10th of July. Constructive criticism is most welcome!


	2. The Uniform Excitation

**A/N: **Sorry this took longer than expected! Let's just say that summer vacations don't leave a lot of time for au pairs to write. As I had you waiting so long and don't want you to wait even more, I'm afraid this is unbetaed - so I hope you won't find the type of mistakes that completely take you out of a story!

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**II. "Was she naked or was she wearing lingerie?"**

"What about this one?" Amy asked as she walked from behind the curtains. She had pinned great hopes on this one – it was of a deep Amazon green that wasn't very far from the colour of the cardigan she'd worn when he had first kissed her, and as she had picked it from the racks of lacy ensembles, Amy had hoped Sheldon's eidetic memory would be enough to triger a reaction. However, as she turned around, showing off to her boyfriend her satine-clad breasts and buttocks, she got the exact same reaction the seven previous ensembles had given her – or, rather, the exact same _lack of reaction_. It was all rather disappointing – following Penny's advice, Amy had reluctantly decided to take Sheldon on a Victoria's Secret shopping spree, but his attitude was remanent of the times they didn't have coitus. Watching him sitting there, looking bored out of his mind, Amy fleetingly wondered if she dreamt the last six months of her life – maybe she was still a virgin. She knew this was a mad thought, however – there were several bruises on her hips that proved that Sheldon quite passionately held onto them on a regular basis – so she settled on mentally scolding Penny.

"Yes, it's quite lovely," Sheldon finally said. That was something. "The colour is lovely," he added, and while Amy was pleased with herself – her theory had been right – she was a bit disappointed by his underwhelming choice of words. She had wanted to hear "you look positively ravishing" or "I cannot wait to see you wearing this in a more private setting," not "lovely." He hadn't even said that word about her – it had been about the ensemble she was wearing. And, come to think of that, Amy suspected he had only said this so they could get it over with.

Feeling quite upset with Penny, with Sheldon and with herself, Amy decided to follow his lead. "Okay," she said. "That's the one, then."

A couple of hours later, as they were finally back in her appartment after stopping at the model train store, Amy took the shopping bag containing the green ensemble to the bathroom. She would need to wash it before wearing it – countless strangers had tried it on, and she was not Penny, thank you very much – and she suspected the delicate material would appreciate a handwashing more than it would a turn in the washing machine. After she was done, she let the bra and panties to dry on her towel warmer, and walked back into her living room where, sure enough, she found Sheldon sitting on the floor, busy playing with his new model train.

"This is really the one, Amy," he whispered as if she had always been here with him, and not back in her bathroom, and his words reminded her of the ones she'd used at the lingerie store. Seeing him so engrossed with his train, Amy suddenly felt like she owed him an apology. Taking him to the lingerie store had been stupid, and deep down she had known it before she had even suggested the idea. The Sheldon she loved just wasn't interested in these things. Love between them was still very muted, a mostly silent dance of fingertips, and while she wouldn't call it clinical – there was _nothing _clinical in the way Sheldon's eyes looked into hers every time he came – their love making just wasn't one for sexy lingerie.

But just as she was about to say "I'm sorry," she heard the same words come out of her boyfriend's mouth. He had blurted them out without even looking at her, a deep blush spreading on his face, and it spiked Amy's curiosity.

"I can't shake the feeling that you are somehow upset," he elaborated, finally looking at her "and I suspect this may have something to be with my behaviour at the lingerie store. So, I apologize."

"It's funny that you should say that," Amy answered, "as I was just going to apologize for dragging you there." Sheldon raised an eyebrow, and Amy sighed. "Deep down, I knew this wouldn't be your thing. I don't know why I listened to Penny." She hesitated, but finally blurted out "This is the dirty talk all over again."

Sheldon looked at her from his spot on the floor without saying anything for a few minutes, Amy feeling more and more ill at ease under his stare. She would have been literally towering over him if she hadn't been standing in the doorway that led to her bathroom and bedroom, but she felt like a small mouse trapped under a cat's paw. Just as she was about to walk away into the kitchen and busy herself with making tea, he finally said "Well, first thing first, I actually really enjoyed this one time we tried dirty talking. It was one of the best orgasms I've had. Third on my Top 10, actually."

Amy couldn't help but blush furiously at these words. If anyone had told her the year before that one day, Sheldon Cooper would one day rank his orgasms, she would probably have called them insane. Not for the ranking part – no, that was something the Sheldon Cooper she knew and loved had always done – but who would have thought that he was _not _going to die a virgin?

"Then," he added, "I feel like there is a misunderstanding between us. I did not _dislike _the lingerie – I just did not see the point of it. I am going to take it off you anyway, am I not?"

_Of course. _In Sheldon's practical mind, coitus was done naked and underwear were only another layer to discard. He did have a point, of course, and Amy couldn't disagree with it. Thinking back on Penny's words ("I have this pink ensemble that drives Leonard crazy. You should try that on Sheldon."), she realised she didn't even want to drive Sheldon crazy. The knowledge that her boyfriend desired her and loved her was enough – she knew now that she didn't need him to be passionately vocal about it.

"But, for what it's worth," he concluded, "I did find you quite fetching."

Amy's face broke into a smile, relieved that this odd episode seemed to be behind them, but Sheldon had explained himself and she figured she should return him the favour. "It's just that... Penny was going on and on about this pink ensemble she has that makes Leonard go wild, and I guess I wanted to experiment with the idea. To see if you too would go mad with lust in the presence of some sexy clothing. It all sounds really silly, now."

Her words had an effect on Sheldon that she would never have suspected, though, as he suddenly turned red. "Well," he said, getting on his feet. "Give me a minute." He suddenly marched down to her bedroom, his hand brushing against her elbow as he walked past her. Amy watched him get into her room, shutting the door behind him. Curiosity washing over her, she followed him to her door. "Sheldon?" she asked, and pressed her ear to the door. She could hear him in her closet, and after a few seconds, just as she was about to open the door, he opened it from the other side. "I... ah... I couldn't help but notice you still have it," he said, biting down on his lip and pointing to something behind him. He hesitated a bit more, and finally admitted "I... I would really like it if you could wear it tonight." And then he was out of her room, walking back down to her living room, and Amy could finally see what he had laid out on her bed for her. _Of course_, she thought, a smirk forming on her mouth.

A few minutes later, she walked back down the corridor, careful not to make a noise, intent on surprising Sheldon. It proved pointless, though – his damn Vulcan hearing! – and Sheldon, who was now sitting on her sofa, turned to her the moment she appeared in the doorway. His eyes went wide, his fingers visibly gripping his own knees tighter, and Amy saw him gulp even harder than this one time she'd shown up to his place dressed as a Catholic school girl.

"Well," Amy said, trying to steady her own voice. "I heard you are suffering from some sort of fever, Doctor Cooper."

Sheldon's answer came out as croaked and breathy, like he was way past caring about sounding in control. "Indeed, Nurse Chapel," he said, and Amy couldn't decide what was more erotic – the way he was struggling to get the words out, the way his eyes seemed focus on the Starfleet Academy symbol sewn just abover her breast on her dress, or the knowledge that her hands that were now holding a tricorder would soon be carressing Sheldon's chest.

"I wonder what that could be," she added, trying not to think about the fact that she was heading for a full séance of Star Trek erotica.

"I know what it is," Sheldon said, getting up from the couch.

"Please, Doctor Cooper. I need you to lie down so I can perform some exams."

"No need. I know what it is," Sheldon repeated, and he walked towards her. In two long strides, he was just before her, and, spinning her aound, he pressed his hot body against her back, his hands resting on her hips. "It's Pon Farr," he whispered in her ear. "I have to have you, or I will die."

Amy couldn't help it; Sheldon had barely touched her, he was just there, pressing himself against her, but his hands were burning through the blue material of her dress, and she could feel his erection straining against his trousers at the small of her back, and his breath was hot and wet against the skin of her neck and the shell of her ear. Sheldon had barely touched her, but she couldn't hold in a low moan.

Taking one of his hands off her waist, Sheldon brought it to the crown of her head, his fingers then lovingly stroking their way down to the tip of her hair. "I love your hair, Amy. It is always so clean and smooth and straight and in order," he whispered, and Amy felt herself go weak in the knees. Sheldon always had a way of adoring her – _all of her –_ and to remind her that they were two pieces of a puzzle, two peas in a pod, two soulmates (if they had believed in such things, that was). She was so very lucky – she had found the love of her life, and he loved her back. "I love your hair. I love you."

Sheldon only ever told her he loved her as he was making love to her. She'd heard Penny complain that she hated it, "It's like Leonard only says it to have sex with me," but things were different with Sheldon. She knew he wasn't saying it to get something – he was saying it because he refused to take her for free. It was silly, really, and she had told him a few times that they were in a relationship and that she was enjoying their sexual encounters as much as he was, but Sheldon still felt like he owed it to her. "I don't want you to ever believe I'm a beast who just thinks about satisfying his urges," he had answered when she had finally told him that he didn't have to say it every time, a couple of months before. "I want you to know that I love you, and that this why I am... making love to you." It had been the first time Sheldon had finally uttered the name of what they were doing behind closed doors, and truth be told, this had mattered more to Amy than hearing the three words spill out of his lips.

"Amy," Sheldon whispered. "Could we... go to your room, now."

"Actually, I think... I think I'd like to stay here."

"In the living room?"

Amy heard the surprise in Sheldon's voice, and she suspected he would try to change her mind. "Uh, yes. I... I am feeling adventurous, I guess."

Sheldon didn't answer anything, and for a moment, she was afraid she had broken the spell. Just as she was about to hastily say that the bedroom was fine, too, Sheldon said "I guess it goes with being on board of the Enterprise."

And so he took her hand in his, leading her to her couch. "Sit," he said, and Amy complied, taking her spot on the right of the couch.

He then kneeled down before her, looking up at her, an adoring look on his face, and Amy couldn't help but run her fingers over his scalp. "I love your hair too," she said. "I love you too."

Sheldon smiled, his fingers running over one of her calves up to the hem of her boot. And then, slowly, delicately, as if he was unwrapping a Christmas present he had been waiting for for months and he couldn't quite believe he was finally getting, he took off the boot. He then repeated the process on her other leg, and soon Amy was barefoot, Sheldon's hands carressing her ankle, just below the hem of her leggins. His fingers trailed up higher and higher, until they were underneath her skirt. They stayed on her tighs for a little while, tracing shapes into the material of her leggins, and then Sheldon said "Too many clothes, Amy."

She understood his meaning, and she slowly rose her bottom from the couch, just enough for him to be able to take the leggins off. But Sheldon was impatient, and he took her panties off in the same stride, too, and so Amy found herself naked from the waist down, save for the skirt of her dress. Sheldon slowly rose on his feet and, his eyes never leaving hers, he started to take his clothes off, folding them neatly and putting them on the armrest of the sofa as he went. One short sleeved red shirt, one long sleeved black shirt, one pair of trousers, two shoes, two yellow socks, and then, finally, Superman briefs. In less than two minutes, Sheldon was naked before her, and Amy's heart was pounding in her chest.

He then sat next to her on the sofa, one of his hands cupping the face she'd turned towards him while the other instantly went to explore underneath her dress. Sure enough, he found her wet already, Amy feeling almost ashamed at how quickly Sheldon could turn her into a mass of raging hormones. Almost only, because the way his fingers started stroking her clit was far too erotic to concentrate on anything else. And if that wasn't enough, Sheldon's lips soon found hers, his tongue's movement matching his fingers'. Soon enough, Amy was moaning into his kiss, and Sheldon took this as his cue, slipping a finger inside her. He moaned too, the warmth of her vagina overcoming him, and he broke the kiss.

"Nurse," he whispered, "I have to have you, now," and Amy faintly nodded. She reached for the hem of her dress, but Sheldon's hand grabbed her wrist before she could do much. "No. Leave it on."

There was something downright terrifying at the idea of having sex while half dressed, and Amy would have protested if her fear hadn't been overpowered by the mind blowing revelation that Sheldon wanted her so much he simply couldn't wait. Looked like Penny had been right, after all – there _was_ such a thing as driving a man wild with lust with just the right attire. So Amy nodded and, empowered by the pleading look in Sheldon's eyes, she straddled his lap, her uniform-clad arms linking themselves around his shoulders, and Sheldon's hand coming to rest on her hips underneath the skirt. She kissed him briefly before rising just above his tip, and then, slowly, her head thrown back in pleasure, she sank down onto him.

"Oh Lord," Sheldon moaned as Amy was biting down on her lips to stop herself from crying out loud. Her head was still thrown back as she started rising again, her walls tight and hot around him, and Sheldon whimpered. "Look at me, Amy. I want to see you."

Amy decided she had never heard anything more erotic, and so she obliged. Pleasure seemed to have given her eyelids a mind of their own and Amy had to fight to keep them open, but as Sheldon's eyes bore into hers, his pupils dilated, his eyes darker, heavier, she knew it was worth it. After a few minutes of a slow lovemaking, Amy felt Sheldon's grip on her hips become tighter, and she knew what it meant. She granted his silent wish by speeding up her pace, gliding up and down the length of him with a renewed frenzy, her eyes never leaving his.

"You're magnificent," he whimpered, and that was it – Amy came crashing down in his arms, resting her forehead against his, his name on her lips as she climaxed. Sheldon followed soon after, biting down on her shoulder to avoid crying out her name.

They stayed like this for a long time, Sheldon still inside Amy, their ragged breath mingling together, until it got somewhat painful. Amy slid down off his lap, and, taking her seat back next to him, she tried to calm her racing heart.

"Wow," she said, and she saw Sheldon faintly nod from the corner of her eye, his voice too weak to agree. She rested her head on his shoulder, his fingers finding hers between them, and as he started stroking her hand with his thumb, Amy said "You should totally wear your Spock uniform next time."

Sheldon shook his head, though, and said "If you want me to be Spock, then you will have to be Uhura."

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**A/N: **Thank you for reading! Reviews are what makes the world go round, so don't forget them or you may forever be stuck in the same time of day!


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